i was so manic that i was starting to scare myself, so i took .5mg of xanax, and it really helped calm me down. the only downside is now all i wanna do it take a nap and that's never gonna happen. *yawn*
over the course of these past few days, i've really learned who my true friends are. they don't know about THIS particular journal, and i'm fine with that. but it makes me really happy to know i have people there for me when i'm really in need.
my family is another story. i found out who told my mom what i wrote in my livejournal and dealt with them accordingly. my in-laws are just a big bunch of assholes, so there never there to be able to depend on.
but friends, i have more than i thought i did. god, i wish i could take a nap.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
manic
i'm manic beyond words. i can't calm down, i can't relax, i can't make myself eat, i can't sleep. i'm WIRED like i drank 10 pots of coffee. i'm going off on people left and right and just barely holding on to reality. i should probably start my lithium again, but it gives me dirreah and i really fucking hate it.
knock down drag out fight
my mom and i are on the fence about each other again. we had a HUGE blow up last night, and for the first time in my bipolar career i blacked out because i was so manic while on medication. generally that's only happened to me when i stop my meds..which is never advised.
long story short, she kicked us out come february. i think i've pretty well managed to smooth things over with her, as long as i continue to kick ass, we'll probably be able to stay here without having to go into section 8 housing. (public assistance housing with income based rent).
I'm doing all the cooking and baking for christmas today. no wonder i'm fat. i get aggrevated with someone and want to distract myself, so what do i do? i make cookies and cake and all that christmas-y jazz.
i've already made the pizzelles, we're having a VERY italian christmas this year. main course is going to be home made ravioli that i'm planning on making and freezing for christmas day today, and home made gnocchi, which i've never made before, but damn it i'm willing to try lol..
you use about 1tbls of batter per pizzelle, and make 2 at a time. the bowl was full to the brim when i started.
long story short, she kicked us out come february. i think i've pretty well managed to smooth things over with her, as long as i continue to kick ass, we'll probably be able to stay here without having to go into section 8 housing. (public assistance housing with income based rent).
I'm doing all the cooking and baking for christmas today. no wonder i'm fat. i get aggrevated with someone and want to distract myself, so what do i do? i make cookies and cake and all that christmas-y jazz.
i've already made the pizzelles, we're having a VERY italian christmas this year. main course is going to be home made ravioli that i'm planning on making and freezing for christmas day today, and home made gnocchi, which i've never made before, but damn it i'm willing to try lol..
you use about 1tbls of batter per pizzelle, and make 2 at a time. the bowl was full to the brim when i started.
Friday, December 17, 2010
baack!
i'm back on this wild roller coaster ride that is weight loss. i'm sitting at right around 250lbs, yes i know a HUGE gain from my last entries, and am about a size 22. but today all this is starting to change. i'm DONE half-assing this attempt to lose weight and just continutally making myself fatter.
the people in my life and my LIFE, living it, being present, not being numb with food, matter more to me than being able to eat til i'm so stuffed it hurts...which, in all honest, makes ya feel miserable any. i'm on sparkpeople.com as ryanslover1 if anyone wants to friend me, my food journal is public on there so it's not an issue of being private.
on a lighter note, christmas is in 8 days!! yeay!
expect to be hearing A LOT more from me in the future, i'm ready to get moving and get this weight off once again!
the people in my life and my LIFE, living it, being present, not being numb with food, matter more to me than being able to eat til i'm so stuffed it hurts...which, in all honest, makes ya feel miserable any. i'm on sparkpeople.com as ryanslover1 if anyone wants to friend me, my food journal is public on there so it's not an issue of being private.
on a lighter note, christmas is in 8 days!! yeay!
expect to be hearing A LOT more from me in the future, i'm ready to get moving and get this weight off once again!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Cleaning
there's constantly a war going on between my mother and I. she's a neat/cleaning freak and i'm just naturally messy. where she sees an utterly disgusting filthy mess, i don't see anything wrong. so we fight (we live with her).
I wish i was better than i am mentally so i could just become a cleaning machine, i go through spurts of that on and off but i never really stick with it very long because, well....i think cleaning to that degree is pointless and a waste of my life. i'd much rather be on the computer or playing with aiden, or watching tv or reading to just about ANYTHING else.
today everything came to a head...yet again.
we've been fighting all morning and she's finally retreated to her bedroom because she just can't stand the site of me because i don't clean as much as she'd like. so i cleaned- a good amount and throughly. finally got rid of my pile of christmas presents in the living room and picked up all aiden's toys, etc...
now she's acting like everything perfectly okay. she seems to think that as soon as she's done yelling and screaming and calling me horrible names and i'm back on her good side that i'll magically forget all the horrible things she said/called me.
she's always been like that and it drives me insane. I have a severe mental disorder and I can't get away with that i don't understand why she thinks it's okay for her.
I wish i was better than i am mentally so i could just become a cleaning machine, i go through spurts of that on and off but i never really stick with it very long because, well....i think cleaning to that degree is pointless and a waste of my life. i'd much rather be on the computer or playing with aiden, or watching tv or reading to just about ANYTHING else.
today everything came to a head...yet again.
we've been fighting all morning and she's finally retreated to her bedroom because she just can't stand the site of me because i don't clean as much as she'd like. so i cleaned- a good amount and throughly. finally got rid of my pile of christmas presents in the living room and picked up all aiden's toys, etc...
now she's acting like everything perfectly okay. she seems to think that as soon as she's done yelling and screaming and calling me horrible names and i'm back on her good side that i'll magically forget all the horrible things she said/called me.
she's always been like that and it drives me insane. I have a severe mental disorder and I can't get away with that i don't understand why she thinks it's okay for her.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Update
my elliptical got built yesterday by Ryan. it's perfect! i love it! it maked my body and mind feel like i'm running without the pain in my knees that running causes right now (i got hit by a car and probably need surgery but i'm putting it off for as long as possible). I went for a walk outside today- it was freezing but i HAD to get out of the house,even if it was just for a little while.
So i went to target (right near my house) and bought valentine's day decorations for my kitchen (just a table cloth and towels to hand on the handles in the kitchen) they are so cute, red with pink and white hearts (cheap too!).
my relaxing time if over for the week, ryan's working again until thursday- i THINK- and i'm basically on my own right now, not that i'm not used to that. it's no big deal really, i juts enjoy having the company...aiden's a good boy and doesn't really get to be a pain in the ass too easily.
I've been taking benadryl for my allergies and mucus build up (i get it more in the winter than in the summer) so i'm been feeling a little tired, but i know it's just because of that not something major.
I've been doing okay for the most part besides that. broke though- but who isn't right now? i'm - personally- a shopper. i love to shop, online, in stores, anywhere. it's just something i enjoy. but i've been really broke lately because m debit card broke and i have to go SOMEWHERE to get it replaces and i never remember when ryan's home. it's a pain in the ass and i don't always feel like going myself.
So i went to target (right near my house) and bought valentine's day decorations for my kitchen (just a table cloth and towels to hand on the handles in the kitchen) they are so cute, red with pink and white hearts (cheap too!).
my relaxing time if over for the week, ryan's working again until thursday- i THINK- and i'm basically on my own right now, not that i'm not used to that. it's no big deal really, i juts enjoy having the company...aiden's a good boy and doesn't really get to be a pain in the ass too easily.
I've been taking benadryl for my allergies and mucus build up (i get it more in the winter than in the summer) so i'm been feeling a little tired, but i know it's just because of that not something major.
I've been doing okay for the most part besides that. broke though- but who isn't right now? i'm - personally- a shopper. i love to shop, online, in stores, anywhere. it's just something i enjoy. but i've been really broke lately because m debit card broke and i have to go SOMEWHERE to get it replaces and i never remember when ryan's home. it's a pain in the ass and i don't always feel like going myself.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I hate weighing myseld
Since i HATE weighing myself, even weekly, i decided that I'm just not going to do it anymore. how do i plan on still losing weight you may ask?well, I'm back at spark people.com eating my allotted 1600 calories a day. I'm going back to calorie counting so that i DON'T have to obsess about the scale. it may sound weird to some, but it's what will work for me.
I get so obsessed with the scale when I'm not counting calories i weigh myself everyday, naked, and i get to the point where I'll actually take laxatives to make sure I'm empty before hand- which just plain isn't healthy. so that's what's new on that front.
My DR called in some pain med for the GERD incident that are actually allowing me to eat SOME things. Darvacet (spelling), it's not too strong but it's enough to take the edge off, which I'm thankful for. The prilocec and the pepcid are doing their jobs splendidly and I've stopped the dry hacking cough that the stomach acid caused.
Bipolarly....I've been basically begging my psy Dr to change my geodon to seroquil. BEGGING. I've been on the geodon for around 5-6 years now and it's starting to not be as effective, and I'm on the highest dose allowed. my bipolar is type I, so sleep is something that's hard for me to come by and my geodon used to make it possible for me to be able to sleep, it didn't knock me out or anything. instead of listening to me about the seroquil change (i have a degree in psy and plan on going back for my PhD so it's not like I'm uneducated about this stuff) he gives me 10mg of ambien...doesn't do SHIT, doesn't even make me remotely tired and it definitely doesn't help me STAY asleep once I've finally managed to fall asleep- and my insurance doesn't cover the extended release kind because there is not a generic.So i see him again on Jan. 12th, i think- and I'm not leaving his office with a seroquil script. it's my mental health we're talking about.
as a side note, along with the bipolar I with schizo-affective tendencies, I've recently gotten borderline personality disorder added to that. wonderful.I want another baby so badly but I'm DESPERATELY afraid to go off my medication during the pregnancy. i was recently (it was a surprise) pregnant and i believe the medication I'm on is the reason i had a miscarriage.
*sigh* why can't i just be NORMAL? even with medication I'm not totally normal- I'm just MORE functional. i can't hold down a job. i feel like it's never-ending crap to deal with.
I get so obsessed with the scale when I'm not counting calories i weigh myself everyday, naked, and i get to the point where I'll actually take laxatives to make sure I'm empty before hand- which just plain isn't healthy. so that's what's new on that front.
My DR called in some pain med for the GERD incident that are actually allowing me to eat SOME things. Darvacet (spelling), it's not too strong but it's enough to take the edge off, which I'm thankful for. The prilocec and the pepcid are doing their jobs splendidly and I've stopped the dry hacking cough that the stomach acid caused.
Bipolarly....I've been basically begging my psy Dr to change my geodon to seroquil. BEGGING. I've been on the geodon for around 5-6 years now and it's starting to not be as effective, and I'm on the highest dose allowed. my bipolar is type I, so sleep is something that's hard for me to come by and my geodon used to make it possible for me to be able to sleep, it didn't knock me out or anything. instead of listening to me about the seroquil change (i have a degree in psy and plan on going back for my PhD so it's not like I'm uneducated about this stuff) he gives me 10mg of ambien...doesn't do SHIT, doesn't even make me remotely tired and it definitely doesn't help me STAY asleep once I've finally managed to fall asleep- and my insurance doesn't cover the extended release kind because there is not a generic.So i see him again on Jan. 12th, i think- and I'm not leaving his office with a seroquil script. it's my mental health we're talking about.
as a side note, along with the bipolar I with schizo-affective tendencies, I've recently gotten borderline personality disorder added to that. wonderful.I want another baby so badly but I'm DESPERATELY afraid to go off my medication during the pregnancy. i was recently (it was a surprise) pregnant and i believe the medication I'm on is the reason i had a miscarriage.
*sigh* why can't i just be NORMAL? even with medication I'm not totally normal- I'm just MORE functional. i can't hold down a job. i feel like it's never-ending crap to deal with.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
