my knees are killing me and my old pain meds (darvocet) got recalled so right now i don't have anything to take for them. i got hit by a car almost two years ago and tore something or other but don't have the time available to recouperate from the surgery to fix it so i'm dealing with it through pain meds.
i decided that my mom leaving for a few days is going to be a good thing. i'll get some time to relax and just enjoy myself with ryan without having to walk on eggshells, but i have to admit that right now from all the stress from her my nerves are FRAYED.
i have knots all over my back from not being able to really relax in so long i don't remember. i'm wired and my happy mania from earlier has definately taken a turn for the worse. i'm still wired but no longer productive. i'm just trying to cope with life at the moment. i'm not in blackout stage, i can't let myself get there because i'm alone with aiden for the night until around 8am tomorrow morning.
i'm putting him to bed between 8 and 8:30pm tonight. i just need to rest, terribly. sleep always makes everything easier to deal with.
sigh, i'm so fed up with all the drama in my life that i feel powerless to change. right now aiden is upstairs in our room (he sleeps with us even though he has his own room) watching cartoons and i'm just vegging on the couch actually watching what i want on tv. i havn't gotten to watch anything but cartoons in over 2 weeks.
i need a shower, but that'll have to wait until tomorrow.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
day 3
this is day 3 of eating correctly and not even remotely binging. i'm eating when i'm hungry but not gorging myself. i feel really good today too.
my mood seems stable and relatively good, not manic good, but good none-the-less.
i baked blueberry muffins, sauteed salmon for dinner, and wrapped all the rest of the christmas present. i'm still itching to DO something though. i organized my favorites and desktop on the computer also. i made a list of the books i want downloaded on the kindle that i just got for christmas!! i'm beyond excited about that one, i just hope it's not too complicated for me to use effectively. i'm not exactly great with technology.
i havn't been able to work out these past few days because aiden's been home. when i try to ride the elliptical he tries to ride it with me, which is not only dangerous but completely ineffective to working out.
tomorrow i know i'll get my exercise in because i have to walk over a mile each way to the pharamacy and get some scripts filled. i HOPE i' able to get a ride, but that generally doesn't pan out for the most part. i just hope it doesn't snow if i have to walk. lol. that would suck monkey balls.
i'm starting to get really excited for christmas! i think this will be the best one yet because aiden really understand about santa and what's going on, and is counting down the days with me.
my in laws are a religion that closely resembles johova's witnesses. they don't celebrate "pegan" holidays, like christmas, easter, new years, etc. and they get really upset about ryan and i celebrating them. i'm over caring about that though. for the first few years that i was part of their family i hid the fact that we celebrated normal pagen holidays, but i'm beyond caring at this point. no i'm not ever going to start going to a christian church for 2-3 hours every saturday for fellowship, no i'm not ever going to give up my pegan holidays, i'm not going to stop doing rituals because they believe them to be evil.
i think that is part of the reason they don't talk to me so much anymore. the last time i heard from them was on facebook when they posted on my wall to wish me a happy birthday. i really am just over the idea of having anything to do with them. they are completely drama and chaios ridden. i don't need that in my life as i have a hard enough time being stable on my own.
it just hurts my feelings sometimes when i think they don't care to be bothered with me because of my religious beliefs. i can't imagine not talking to someone over something like that. i don't understand why they think their beliefs are better than mine, and therefore they are better than me, just because i think and celebrate something different than them. it boggles my mind. but ya know, i'm the crazy one.
my mood seems stable and relatively good, not manic good, but good none-the-less.
i baked blueberry muffins, sauteed salmon for dinner, and wrapped all the rest of the christmas present. i'm still itching to DO something though. i organized my favorites and desktop on the computer also. i made a list of the books i want downloaded on the kindle that i just got for christmas!! i'm beyond excited about that one, i just hope it's not too complicated for me to use effectively. i'm not exactly great with technology.
i havn't been able to work out these past few days because aiden's been home. when i try to ride the elliptical he tries to ride it with me, which is not only dangerous but completely ineffective to working out.
tomorrow i know i'll get my exercise in because i have to walk over a mile each way to the pharamacy and get some scripts filled. i HOPE i' able to get a ride, but that generally doesn't pan out for the most part. i just hope it doesn't snow if i have to walk. lol. that would suck monkey balls.
i'm starting to get really excited for christmas! i think this will be the best one yet because aiden really understand about santa and what's going on, and is counting down the days with me.
my in laws are a religion that closely resembles johova's witnesses. they don't celebrate "pegan" holidays, like christmas, easter, new years, etc. and they get really upset about ryan and i celebrating them. i'm over caring about that though. for the first few years that i was part of their family i hid the fact that we celebrated normal pagen holidays, but i'm beyond caring at this point. no i'm not ever going to start going to a christian church for 2-3 hours every saturday for fellowship, no i'm not ever going to give up my pegan holidays, i'm not going to stop doing rituals because they believe them to be evil.
i think that is part of the reason they don't talk to me so much anymore. the last time i heard from them was on facebook when they posted on my wall to wish me a happy birthday. i really am just over the idea of having anything to do with them. they are completely drama and chaios ridden. i don't need that in my life as i have a hard enough time being stable on my own.
it just hurts my feelings sometimes when i think they don't care to be bothered with me because of my religious beliefs. i can't imagine not talking to someone over something like that. i don't understand why they think their beliefs are better than mine, and therefore they are better than me, just because i think and celebrate something different than them. it boggles my mind. but ya know, i'm the crazy one.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
tired
the xanax for the mania..the only medication that i had that would calm me down, not really a mania buster but i'll get some sleep with it...is making me soo damn tired. i just desperately want to take a nap, but i know if i do that i'll have to deal with a slew of comments reguarding my laziness and lack of descipline with being a good productive mom and wife.
just an hour, i'd kill for just an hour long nap.
today's and yesterday's eating has been super good and healthy. i dunno about calories but right now i'm focusing on eating super healthy and not eating until i'm overful/ binging.
today for breakfast i had scrambled egg white with light cheese, maybe 1/2cup, and about 1/4cup of hashbrowns with green and red bell peppers mixed in. for lunch i had my standard light bread, turkey breast, light laughing cow cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich. i've been trying to focus on getting more protein in because that's what really keeps me satisfied and not hungry for the longest amount of time.
i have salmon for dinner tonight, but i've been baking all day and i think i might wait until tomorrow to make that. i'll do it in the morning so i know i'll have the motivation for it. sauteed salmon fillets, some steamed broccoli, cauliflower and carrots all mixed together. maybe i'll make some whole grain brown spanish rice with it as a side..that sounds good.
just an hour, i'd kill for just an hour long nap.
today's and yesterday's eating has been super good and healthy. i dunno about calories but right now i'm focusing on eating super healthy and not eating until i'm overful/ binging.
today for breakfast i had scrambled egg white with light cheese, maybe 1/2cup, and about 1/4cup of hashbrowns with green and red bell peppers mixed in. for lunch i had my standard light bread, turkey breast, light laughing cow cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich. i've been trying to focus on getting more protein in because that's what really keeps me satisfied and not hungry for the longest amount of time.
i have salmon for dinner tonight, but i've been baking all day and i think i might wait until tomorrow to make that. i'll do it in the morning so i know i'll have the motivation for it. sauteed salmon fillets, some steamed broccoli, cauliflower and carrots all mixed together. maybe i'll make some whole grain brown spanish rice with it as a side..that sounds good.
manic
i was so manic that i was starting to scare myself, so i took .5mg of xanax, and it really helped calm me down. the only downside is now all i wanna do it take a nap and that's never gonna happen. *yawn*
over the course of these past few days, i've really learned who my true friends are. they don't know about THIS particular journal, and i'm fine with that. but it makes me really happy to know i have people there for me when i'm really in need.
my family is another story. i found out who told my mom what i wrote in my livejournal and dealt with them accordingly. my in-laws are just a big bunch of assholes, so there never there to be able to depend on.
but friends, i have more than i thought i did. god, i wish i could take a nap.
over the course of these past few days, i've really learned who my true friends are. they don't know about THIS particular journal, and i'm fine with that. but it makes me really happy to know i have people there for me when i'm really in need.
my family is another story. i found out who told my mom what i wrote in my livejournal and dealt with them accordingly. my in-laws are just a big bunch of assholes, so there never there to be able to depend on.
but friends, i have more than i thought i did. god, i wish i could take a nap.
manic
i'm manic beyond words. i can't calm down, i can't relax, i can't make myself eat, i can't sleep. i'm WIRED like i drank 10 pots of coffee. i'm going off on people left and right and just barely holding on to reality. i should probably start my lithium again, but it gives me dirreah and i really fucking hate it.
knock down drag out fight
my mom and i are on the fence about each other again. we had a HUGE blow up last night, and for the first time in my bipolar career i blacked out because i was so manic while on medication. generally that's only happened to me when i stop my meds..which is never advised.
long story short, she kicked us out come february. i think i've pretty well managed to smooth things over with her, as long as i continue to kick ass, we'll probably be able to stay here without having to go into section 8 housing. (public assistance housing with income based rent).
I'm doing all the cooking and baking for christmas today. no wonder i'm fat. i get aggrevated with someone and want to distract myself, so what do i do? i make cookies and cake and all that christmas-y jazz.
i've already made the pizzelles, we're having a VERY italian christmas this year. main course is going to be home made ravioli that i'm planning on making and freezing for christmas day today, and home made gnocchi, which i've never made before, but damn it i'm willing to try lol..
you use about 1tbls of batter per pizzelle, and make 2 at a time. the bowl was full to the brim when i started.
long story short, she kicked us out come february. i think i've pretty well managed to smooth things over with her, as long as i continue to kick ass, we'll probably be able to stay here without having to go into section 8 housing. (public assistance housing with income based rent).
I'm doing all the cooking and baking for christmas today. no wonder i'm fat. i get aggrevated with someone and want to distract myself, so what do i do? i make cookies and cake and all that christmas-y jazz.
i've already made the pizzelles, we're having a VERY italian christmas this year. main course is going to be home made ravioli that i'm planning on making and freezing for christmas day today, and home made gnocchi, which i've never made before, but damn it i'm willing to try lol..
you use about 1tbls of batter per pizzelle, and make 2 at a time. the bowl was full to the brim when i started.
Friday, December 17, 2010
baack!
i'm back on this wild roller coaster ride that is weight loss. i'm sitting at right around 250lbs, yes i know a HUGE gain from my last entries, and am about a size 22. but today all this is starting to change. i'm DONE half-assing this attempt to lose weight and just continutally making myself fatter.
the people in my life and my LIFE, living it, being present, not being numb with food, matter more to me than being able to eat til i'm so stuffed it hurts...which, in all honest, makes ya feel miserable any. i'm on sparkpeople.com as ryanslover1 if anyone wants to friend me, my food journal is public on there so it's not an issue of being private.
on a lighter note, christmas is in 8 days!! yeay!
expect to be hearing A LOT more from me in the future, i'm ready to get moving and get this weight off once again!
the people in my life and my LIFE, living it, being present, not being numb with food, matter more to me than being able to eat til i'm so stuffed it hurts...which, in all honest, makes ya feel miserable any. i'm on sparkpeople.com as ryanslover1 if anyone wants to friend me, my food journal is public on there so it's not an issue of being private.
on a lighter note, christmas is in 8 days!! yeay!
expect to be hearing A LOT more from me in the future, i'm ready to get moving and get this weight off once again!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Cleaning
there's constantly a war going on between my mother and I. she's a neat/cleaning freak and i'm just naturally messy. where she sees an utterly disgusting filthy mess, i don't see anything wrong. so we fight (we live with her).
I wish i was better than i am mentally so i could just become a cleaning machine, i go through spurts of that on and off but i never really stick with it very long because, well....i think cleaning to that degree is pointless and a waste of my life. i'd much rather be on the computer or playing with aiden, or watching tv or reading to just about ANYTHING else.
today everything came to a head...yet again.
we've been fighting all morning and she's finally retreated to her bedroom because she just can't stand the site of me because i don't clean as much as she'd like. so i cleaned- a good amount and throughly. finally got rid of my pile of christmas presents in the living room and picked up all aiden's toys, etc...
now she's acting like everything perfectly okay. she seems to think that as soon as she's done yelling and screaming and calling me horrible names and i'm back on her good side that i'll magically forget all the horrible things she said/called me.
she's always been like that and it drives me insane. I have a severe mental disorder and I can't get away with that i don't understand why she thinks it's okay for her.
I wish i was better than i am mentally so i could just become a cleaning machine, i go through spurts of that on and off but i never really stick with it very long because, well....i think cleaning to that degree is pointless and a waste of my life. i'd much rather be on the computer or playing with aiden, or watching tv or reading to just about ANYTHING else.
today everything came to a head...yet again.
we've been fighting all morning and she's finally retreated to her bedroom because she just can't stand the site of me because i don't clean as much as she'd like. so i cleaned- a good amount and throughly. finally got rid of my pile of christmas presents in the living room and picked up all aiden's toys, etc...
now she's acting like everything perfectly okay. she seems to think that as soon as she's done yelling and screaming and calling me horrible names and i'm back on her good side that i'll magically forget all the horrible things she said/called me.
she's always been like that and it drives me insane. I have a severe mental disorder and I can't get away with that i don't understand why she thinks it's okay for her.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Update
my elliptical got built yesterday by Ryan. it's perfect! i love it! it maked my body and mind feel like i'm running without the pain in my knees that running causes right now (i got hit by a car and probably need surgery but i'm putting it off for as long as possible). I went for a walk outside today- it was freezing but i HAD to get out of the house,even if it was just for a little while.
So i went to target (right near my house) and bought valentine's day decorations for my kitchen (just a table cloth and towels to hand on the handles in the kitchen) they are so cute, red with pink and white hearts (cheap too!).
my relaxing time if over for the week, ryan's working again until thursday- i THINK- and i'm basically on my own right now, not that i'm not used to that. it's no big deal really, i juts enjoy having the company...aiden's a good boy and doesn't really get to be a pain in the ass too easily.
I've been taking benadryl for my allergies and mucus build up (i get it more in the winter than in the summer) so i'm been feeling a little tired, but i know it's just because of that not something major.
I've been doing okay for the most part besides that. broke though- but who isn't right now? i'm - personally- a shopper. i love to shop, online, in stores, anywhere. it's just something i enjoy. but i've been really broke lately because m debit card broke and i have to go SOMEWHERE to get it replaces and i never remember when ryan's home. it's a pain in the ass and i don't always feel like going myself.
So i went to target (right near my house) and bought valentine's day decorations for my kitchen (just a table cloth and towels to hand on the handles in the kitchen) they are so cute, red with pink and white hearts (cheap too!).
my relaxing time if over for the week, ryan's working again until thursday- i THINK- and i'm basically on my own right now, not that i'm not used to that. it's no big deal really, i juts enjoy having the company...aiden's a good boy and doesn't really get to be a pain in the ass too easily.
I've been taking benadryl for my allergies and mucus build up (i get it more in the winter than in the summer) so i'm been feeling a little tired, but i know it's just because of that not something major.
I've been doing okay for the most part besides that. broke though- but who isn't right now? i'm - personally- a shopper. i love to shop, online, in stores, anywhere. it's just something i enjoy. but i've been really broke lately because m debit card broke and i have to go SOMEWHERE to get it replaces and i never remember when ryan's home. it's a pain in the ass and i don't always feel like going myself.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I hate weighing myseld
Since i HATE weighing myself, even weekly, i decided that I'm just not going to do it anymore. how do i plan on still losing weight you may ask?well, I'm back at spark people.com eating my allotted 1600 calories a day. I'm going back to calorie counting so that i DON'T have to obsess about the scale. it may sound weird to some, but it's what will work for me.
I get so obsessed with the scale when I'm not counting calories i weigh myself everyday, naked, and i get to the point where I'll actually take laxatives to make sure I'm empty before hand- which just plain isn't healthy. so that's what's new on that front.
My DR called in some pain med for the GERD incident that are actually allowing me to eat SOME things. Darvacet (spelling), it's not too strong but it's enough to take the edge off, which I'm thankful for. The prilocec and the pepcid are doing their jobs splendidly and I've stopped the dry hacking cough that the stomach acid caused.
Bipolarly....I've been basically begging my psy Dr to change my geodon to seroquil. BEGGING. I've been on the geodon for around 5-6 years now and it's starting to not be as effective, and I'm on the highest dose allowed. my bipolar is type I, so sleep is something that's hard for me to come by and my geodon used to make it possible for me to be able to sleep, it didn't knock me out or anything. instead of listening to me about the seroquil change (i have a degree in psy and plan on going back for my PhD so it's not like I'm uneducated about this stuff) he gives me 10mg of ambien...doesn't do SHIT, doesn't even make me remotely tired and it definitely doesn't help me STAY asleep once I've finally managed to fall asleep- and my insurance doesn't cover the extended release kind because there is not a generic.So i see him again on Jan. 12th, i think- and I'm not leaving his office with a seroquil script. it's my mental health we're talking about.
as a side note, along with the bipolar I with schizo-affective tendencies, I've recently gotten borderline personality disorder added to that. wonderful.I want another baby so badly but I'm DESPERATELY afraid to go off my medication during the pregnancy. i was recently (it was a surprise) pregnant and i believe the medication I'm on is the reason i had a miscarriage.
*sigh* why can't i just be NORMAL? even with medication I'm not totally normal- I'm just MORE functional. i can't hold down a job. i feel like it's never-ending crap to deal with.
I get so obsessed with the scale when I'm not counting calories i weigh myself everyday, naked, and i get to the point where I'll actually take laxatives to make sure I'm empty before hand- which just plain isn't healthy. so that's what's new on that front.
My DR called in some pain med for the GERD incident that are actually allowing me to eat SOME things. Darvacet (spelling), it's not too strong but it's enough to take the edge off, which I'm thankful for. The prilocec and the pepcid are doing their jobs splendidly and I've stopped the dry hacking cough that the stomach acid caused.
Bipolarly....I've been basically begging my psy Dr to change my geodon to seroquil. BEGGING. I've been on the geodon for around 5-6 years now and it's starting to not be as effective, and I'm on the highest dose allowed. my bipolar is type I, so sleep is something that's hard for me to come by and my geodon used to make it possible for me to be able to sleep, it didn't knock me out or anything. instead of listening to me about the seroquil change (i have a degree in psy and plan on going back for my PhD so it's not like I'm uneducated about this stuff) he gives me 10mg of ambien...doesn't do SHIT, doesn't even make me remotely tired and it definitely doesn't help me STAY asleep once I've finally managed to fall asleep- and my insurance doesn't cover the extended release kind because there is not a generic.So i see him again on Jan. 12th, i think- and I'm not leaving his office with a seroquil script. it's my mental health we're talking about.
as a side note, along with the bipolar I with schizo-affective tendencies, I've recently gotten borderline personality disorder added to that. wonderful.I want another baby so badly but I'm DESPERATELY afraid to go off my medication during the pregnancy. i was recently (it was a surprise) pregnant and i believe the medication I'm on is the reason i had a miscarriage.
*sigh* why can't i just be NORMAL? even with medication I'm not totally normal- I'm just MORE functional. i can't hold down a job. i feel like it's never-ending crap to deal with.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
