Christmas and Ryan

Ryan and i are doing much better.....he's my husband and i have to take that eternal commitment seriously because that's how it works! He's been allot nicer to me lately and we've talked through a lot of our issues, I think he has a better idea of what i need and where I'm coming from now.

I'm so happy to report that Ryan and i are okay again. my mother divorced my father when i was 2 and i don't want Aiden to have to live a life without both parents being together. right now our only issue that we can't really resolve is that i want one more child and Ryan doesn't. he says that if it's THAT important to me, we can have one more but not right now. I guess I'll just have to except that.

On a different note- Christmas was WONDERFUL. BEST Christmas EVER. I got a Wii and Wii Fit plus a TON of fitness games, Mario games, family feud....great stuff. i even got a ring that has all of our birthstones in it (Ryan's, Mine and Aiden's). Ryan wanted a studio grade microphone. even though he's going to school for nursing he's already graduated from Julliard for voice/opera. he's got an amazing voice and a real talent when it comes to music so i think the microphone will serve him well. Aiden got everything he asked Santa for, so he want happy. that living room is covered in toys, but they'll all eventually find homes besides just being under the tree.

I'm going to start my first workout on the Wii fit today...when it's a reasonably decent hour, not 5am. I also plan on taking Aiden for a walk today because there's a Bath and Body Works store near my house, and it's time for the semi-annual sale....I gotta stock up on my favorite goodies =)

Love that place, it makes taking a shower and taking care of myself a real joy- which is important because i have such issues with depression that if taking care of myself becomes something that feel like a chore instead of something i enjoy i won't be able to work up the motivation to DO it. It's gross, but that sad truth. so yeah, definitely hitting up the semi-annual sale!

I've totally overindulged over the Christmas holiday, but ya know what? I'm okay with that. it's one time a year, these goodies aren't always available so i might as well enjoy them while i can....I can lose weight anytime there's no rush so I'm not going to deprive myself.

How was your holiday?

I'm Done

and i don't mean anything about weight. I took off my wedding rings today for the last time. my husband and i fight constantly and i can't take it anymore. he's never on my side with anything, I'm always wrong, he never defends me.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders just typing that. i don't love him anymore, and i think it's been a long time coming. we've been together since we were 18, got married after being together for 4 months....it's been over 6 years since then and i feel like neither one of us respects the other's feelings, well being, or mental health anymore. I'm medicated, I'm as stable as I'm going to be....and i just don't love him.

I don't think he loves me either, because if he did he'd treat me lot differently. he never has a kind word to say, he never checks on me when I'm doing badly, never wants to do anything with me or for me. I'm going to do us both a favor and just end it. i want a trial separation. starting after new years because it's not right to put my family through all that during the holidays. i don't know what else to do.

I think all the emotional eating (aka binging) I've been doing lately is because i know if i lose more weight and other men are interested in me I'll leave. I'm not going to let him kill me with my own emotions....and that seems like the road we're going down.

I wish there was some other way, but i obviously can't make him treat me the way i want to be treated, or even the way he used to treat me. I have no control over what he does, as I'm learning in therapy, i can only control my reaction to his actions.

maybe things will get better, maybe they won't- but either way I'll be okay. I have my family here for me. i wish i didn't have to deal with these emotions on Christmas eve/ Christmas, but i fight today really brought everything to light. i want him to treat me well....i would be more than willing to reciprocate, but i just can't be the first one to start that AGAIN, especially when it deteriorates so quickly and easily.

I'm sick over this- literally SICK over it.

busy day

i've been christmas shopping since 10am this morning and didn't finish until around 2pm. I had shredded carrots and hummus for breakfast with a few grape tomatoes- delish. and for lunch i got that 395 calorie meal from KFC....and took off all the skin and fat from the chicken so i'm guessing it turned out to be a little less caloricly than 395.

Last night i didn't do so well...my mom bought christmas candy (which equals bags and bags of chocolate kisses, bars, york peppermint patties, etc....) and i totally over indulged. when i weighed myself monday (i think it was) i was 211lbs this morning i was 209.8lbs.....so it's going down, slowly because i'm not doing FANTASTICALLY.

Tonight i have a plan. i'm shredding zucchini (lots of zucchini, since it's my favorite veggie) and cooking that in pam until done, then adding 1c. of pasta sauce. it's SOOOO good. one of my favorite meals ever. maybe i'll have a few slices of turkey lunch meat so that i'll have some protein to keep me full.

well, all the christmas shopping is done, but there is much wrapping ahead. tomorrow is christmas eve and i'll write about my family's traditions then....bye for now!

As Promised

I'm posting today after a horrible night of sleep. I had to take hardcore pain medication for a massive day long migraine last night and it, for some odd reason, always gives me SERIOUS nightmares. I was being eaten alive by dinosaurs with my good friend Jess. Weird...and it freaked me out royally. I was scared to go back to sleep so I'm running on next to none here.

This is going to be a rough day. Being tired leaves me predisposed to binging even more than normal. Since i can't nap i figure i can fuel myself with food through the low feeling of being absolutely exhausted. It never works but it's my fall back and it's something I'm gonna have to be on high alert for today (or as high alert as my sleepy state allows).

I take anti-anxiety meds in the morning....klonopin....because i also, in addition to the bipolar, have very severe anxiety in just about every situation. it really hitting me hard today because it has the ability to make me tired. i think i might attempt to sneak in a nap before i have to pick aiden up at noon from preschool.

I'm so tired I feel dizzy. Fun day ahead.

I'm Back

so as is normally true in the blogging community, no news is usually bad news. I've reached my mental upper limit with weight gain....211lbs. I'm NOT going to EVER have to say that I've lost less than 100lbs. i started at 312lbs, so 211 is just not good enough.

I'm going with an intuitive eating approach since i seem to be in a mindset that causes binges when i write everything down. So far so good- although so far is only really today.

I hurt my knee a couple weeks ago, but I'm healed up AGAIN now- so back to exercising when I'm ready....right now I'm mainly focusing on my eating since that's what's been really getting me into trouble. MAJOR weeks long binging is really hurting me mentally and physically. things need to change and i feel like I'm totally in a position to make that change.

there are some lovely bloggers out there who inspire me on a daily basis...and i love reading books about people who have lost lots of weight. I've basically been re-reading my most inspiring books to help get me back on track! it's working!

Since I'm not keeping track of what I'm eating, just watching what the scale has to say, I'm not going to be posting daily food journals or anything...maybe some pictures of my food will make their way here on occasion if i eat something that's particularly spectacular.

But i WILL be updating at least daily. I'm making that commitment to myself because THAT will be my accountability. I'm back...watch out! no waiting for New Years resolutions for this fat girl =)

Rough

I had a mental breakdown from my severe bout with depression in my therapist's office yesterday. My appointment was for Thursday and being so depressed i had the wrong day. thankfully she saw me anyway. we talked for almost 2 hours, and i was in tears the whole time. they tried to admit me to crisis response center but i refused. Roz, the therapist, tried to get me in with my psychiatrist but he was booked up until next week so I'm on my own dealing for this until next Tuesday.

I haven't been eating much, and I'm sleeping as much as humanly possible. Being bipolar sucks- especially when the meds I'm on decide to stop working for no apparent reason.

that basically sums up why i haven't been posting. my birthday is this Saturday and I'm having a little party at my house. i hope the turnout is decent. it's the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. i hope it doesn't turn into a major disappointment with no one showing. either way I'm hoping Ryan, the husband, and i will have a good time.

Boring

Today has been pretty average and boring. I'm counting my calories but i'm still too sore to run (and it's raining) or ride the indoor exercise bike. I'm hoping that tomorrow i'll be fine. As long as it hurts to walk I'm thinking I'm too sore to ride the bike. Maybe i should be pushing myself, but I'm not there yet.

Today i got to talk to the beautiful and talented, Jess. We've been friends for years but only in the last year have we talked on the phone at all- I'm glad we made that step it's been really good for me.

Aiden went to school late today, he wanted to stay home and play and i almost gave him the whole day off but thought better of it since he's not sick or anything.

He's going to have 3 therapists coming to his school every week for an hour each. A behavioral therapist, a special instructor, and a physical therapist (since he's been walking on his tip-toes since he could walk). I hope they are able to help him, but I guess that remains to be seen.

Dinner with Dad, Cont...

So last night was dinner with my dad. we just started talking after 12 years of not speaking about a year or so ago. right around when i started my weight loss journey. we went to dinner then and he saw me at my highest weight and wanted to see how i've done so far.

we have a long and sorted history with each other. my mother and father divorced when i was 2 because my dad cheated on my mom and got his girlfriend pregnant...and then married her. she was the worst step-parent anyone could have and would do things like lock me in the bathroom for hours at a time when my dad wasn't home. not a nice lady...shes the reason i stopped having a relationship with him in the first place.

last night brought up alot of burried emotions. i try to just not think about them most of the time, but being there with him in the flesh sort of brings up all the horrible feelings i keep repressed on a daily basis.

Dinner with Dad

yes, dinner with the man who fathered me and i havn't spoken to in 12 years up until sometime last year. i dunno why i decided to contact him for so long- he's always treated me terribly. i'll write more tomorrow when i've had time to process everything...right now i'm DRAINED.

ADHD Diagnosis

Aiden went for an evaluation a few weeks ago and it turns out that he inherited his father's ADHD. Unfortunately, Ryan never outgrew his, so it's likely Aiden won't either. Aiden's been having problems with wanting to not go to preschool in the mornings (he only goes until noon). Today i found out why. He gets time outs ALOT for hitting the other kids and having virtually no attention span. All he wants to do is run around and play.

I dunno what to do. I've never dealt with anything like this before. He's such a good sweet boy at home that loves hugs and cuddling. I'm really concerned but I don't know what to do to help him. I know i studied psychology but I have no experience dealing with ADHD except for what i see in Ryan.

I have a meeting today with his service coordinator, she's going to go to his school and work with him with the ADHD and do behavioral therapy to help him with his attention span. He's probably going to need to go on medication when he starts real school because they just won't put up with this kind of thing there.

Any suggestions anyone?

Sore

Okay so it seems that my two days of multi-hour running have caught up with me. my legs are so sore today that my shins hurt when i walk. today will be a day off from exercise- which I'm already regretting because the weather is supposed to be wonderful again.

This morning i weighted in at 203.4lbs....i'm very happy about that. i know it's mostly water weight at this point but at least I'm on the right track again. I feel motivated again, which is something that i was having a hard time with since may 2008. In may i basically hit the 100lbs gone mark and just needed a break, but i finally feel ready to get the last 50-some lbs off.

I know I've been talking about weight allot lately, but that's what I'm trying to focus on. Life is okay in all other areas, my meds are regulated, my moods are pretty stable, my relationships are normal and good, but the weight needs to come to the forefront again.

I feel so close to goal right now- i know it's because i had a good day. I'll get there- i just need to string a bunch of good days together!

My Run

I totally ran for 2 hours today! God it feels good to be back at it. I think I might be over-doing it though because I missed it. I honestly don't care about the calories it burns, it just makes me feel so strong and powerful...like I can do anything! And I've also noticed that it makes me more productive throughout the day (as long as I do it in the morning).

I'm committed to counting my calories today. NOTHING is going to stop me. I don't care what craving hits, or when, it's NOT happening. I know once I get one day without a binge under my belt the rest of the days will start to fall in line because I don't want to mess up my hard work.

I've been on hiatus from losing weight for a while now- since about May (the beginning). My lowest weight was 196lbs. I WILL GET BACK THERE!

The Binge

So even after feeling SO good after my run yesterday night i binged. nothing hardcore, but enough that I'm up a pound and some change this morning. I guess i do need to track calories despite working out. I'm planning another run today, because the weather is supposed to be great. I think I'll head to a different route and check out some different stores. But first, i need to go to Wawa and get some milk for the house. Aiden, my son, needs it and we need skim milk for coffee and cereal and the like. I might pick up a breakfast sandwich with turkey sausage and egg whites, but only if they have that- I'm not spending 500+ calories on breakfast alone. The turkey sausage bagel, as it's stored in my sparkpeople.com account, has 360 calories with lots of them coming from protein but enough coming from the bagel that I'll have the energy to run.

I have such a hard time with night time eating, not middle of the night, just before bed. I dunno why, but i like the feeling of being overfull to fall asleep- am I weird? It just makes me feel comforted and lulls me to sleep. That's why I'm having such a hard time getting over it. *Sigh* sacrifices must be made in order to have the body that i want because sitting at 208.8lbs is NOT where I want to be.

I have to call my OB/GYN today because I'm planning on getting an IUD, my husband and i talked about getting pregnant in May after he's done nursing school and Aiden's old enough for us to have another one- HOWEVER, we really like the alone time we get when Aiden's napping or at school, etc... and we would totally be giving that up. We had Aiden young, i was 21 when he was born- so was Ryan...I'm not saying i regret it, but it would have been nice, looking back, to have more time to be young than what we got. I'm not ready to saddle myself down for the next couple years with a new baby right now. There have been talks about getting a dog in May though.

First Run Back

Today i went for my first run since hurting my knee. i made it 2 hours and 25 minutes! i burned 1000 calories, according to my heart rate monitor! i feel GREAT!!! this is definitely gonna continue because i forgot how wonderful i feel after a good long run. i even did some shopping while breaking from the run. that's probably what added the most time to it, actually. There was a good amount of running/jogging going on, definitely. I'm back to counting my calories, but we'll see how that goes, i really hate having to keep track of what I'm eating, and with the amount of exercise i generally do- as long as i don't binge- I'm fine.

The Bad Morning

This morning started off with apple cheesecake calling my name and just went downhill from there. it's only 8:38am in the morning and i feel like i failed for the day. i want to go out to breakfast because i know I'll make healthy choices and get enough food to last me the rest of the day. i think I'm off to shower then to order a low-carb breakfast since the cheesecake sent my over my sugar limit. I'm thinking egg white omelet with Swiss cheese and some creamed chipped beef. to the shower i go.

New To This- But Not

Hello everyone out there in blog-land. i've had a livejournal for years and i think it's time for me to branch out since it seems pretty dead over there lately. i started my weight loss journey at 312lbs....in may of 2008. I'm also bipolar and take a variety of medications that cause weight gain, loss, increased appetites, etc... so it's been a juggling act trying to get the right combonation of medications with the right effectiveness and not medications that will cause me to binge uncontrollably. right now i'm on geodon, cymbalta and klonopin. they seem to be working for me, but i also take a wide variety of natural suppliments to help with my mind and body.

Over the last 18 months i've done everything from weight watchers, to counting calories, to atkins to the Real Age Diet. I'm currently (as of this morning) weighing in at 207.4lbs which makes for a 104.6lbs weight loss. while that's impressive (at least to me) my weight has recently been heading in the wrong direction. I've started therapy to hopefully help with the binge- restrict cycle that I've pretty well established and am currently doing weight watchers again just to get some basic footing back down. i can no longer just trust myself.

I had worked myself up to doing 90 minutes of intense cardio 5-6 days a week. I had an unfortunate incident with a car running a stop sign and hitting me in the knee, couple with a miscarriage, and I've totally stopped exercising. I'm hoping to start that up again as soon as possible, as it greatly helps with the depression issues associated with my particular type of Bipolar Disorder.

This is going to be my ledger. I will record my triumphs and disappointments here. Hopefully I'll find some friends along the way.