I'm Done

and i don't mean anything about weight. I took off my wedding rings today for the last time. my husband and i fight constantly and i can't take it anymore. he's never on my side with anything, I'm always wrong, he never defends me.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders just typing that. i don't love him anymore, and i think it's been a long time coming. we've been together since we were 18, got married after being together for 4 months....it's been over 6 years since then and i feel like neither one of us respects the other's feelings, well being, or mental health anymore. I'm medicated, I'm as stable as I'm going to be....and i just don't love him.

I don't think he loves me either, because if he did he'd treat me lot differently. he never has a kind word to say, he never checks on me when I'm doing badly, never wants to do anything with me or for me. I'm going to do us both a favor and just end it. i want a trial separation. starting after new years because it's not right to put my family through all that during the holidays. i don't know what else to do.

I think all the emotional eating (aka binging) I've been doing lately is because i know if i lose more weight and other men are interested in me I'll leave. I'm not going to let him kill me with my own emotions....and that seems like the road we're going down.

I wish there was some other way, but i obviously can't make him treat me the way i want to be treated, or even the way he used to treat me. I have no control over what he does, as I'm learning in therapy, i can only control my reaction to his actions.

maybe things will get better, maybe they won't- but either way I'll be okay. I have my family here for me. i wish i didn't have to deal with these emotions on Christmas eve/ Christmas, but i fight today really brought everything to light. i want him to treat me well....i would be more than willing to reciprocate, but i just can't be the first one to start that AGAIN, especially when it deteriorates so quickly and easily.

I'm sick over this- literally SICK over it.