ugh

my knees are killing me and my old pain meds (darvocet) got recalled so right now i don't have anything to take for them.  i got hit by a car almost two years ago and tore something or other but don't have the time available to recouperate from the surgery to fix it so i'm dealing with it through pain meds.

i decided that my mom leaving for a few days is going to be a good thing.  i'll get some time to relax and just enjoy myself with ryan without having to walk on eggshells, but i have to admit that right now from all the stress from her my nerves are FRAYED.

i have knots all over my back from not being able to really relax in so long i don't remember.  i'm wired and my happy mania from earlier has definately taken a turn for the worse.  i'm still wired but no longer productive.  i'm just trying to cope with life at the moment.  i'm not in blackout stage, i can't let myself get there because i'm alone with aiden for the night until around 8am tomorrow morning.

i'm putting him to bed between 8 and 8:30pm tonight.  i just need to rest, terribly.  sleep always makes everything easier to deal with.

sigh, i'm so fed up with all the drama in my life that i feel powerless to change.  right now aiden is upstairs in our room (he sleeps with us even though he has his own room) watching cartoons and i'm just vegging on the couch actually watching what i want on tv.  i havn't gotten to watch anything but cartoons in over 2 weeks.

i need a shower, but that'll have to wait until tomorrow.

day 3

this is day 3 of eating correctly and not even remotely binging.  i'm eating when i'm hungry but not gorging myself.  i feel really good today too.

my mood seems stable and relatively good, not manic good, but good none-the-less.

i baked blueberry muffins, sauteed salmon for dinner, and wrapped all the rest of the christmas present.  i'm still itching to DO something though.  i organized my favorites and desktop on the computer also.  i made a list of the books i want downloaded on the kindle that i just got for christmas!!  i'm beyond excited about that one, i just hope it's not too complicated for me to use effectively.  i'm not exactly great with technology.

i havn't been able to work out these past few days because aiden's been home.  when i try to ride the elliptical he tries to ride it with me, which is not only dangerous but completely ineffective to working out.

tomorrow i know i'll get my exercise in because i have to walk over a mile each way to the pharamacy and get some scripts filled.  i HOPE i' able to get a ride, but that generally doesn't pan out for the most part.  i just hope it doesn't snow if i have to walk. lol. that would suck monkey balls.

i'm starting to get really excited for christmas!  i think this will be the best one yet because aiden really understand about santa and what's going on, and is counting down the days with me.

my in laws are a religion that closely resembles johova's witnesses.  they don't celebrate "pegan" holidays, like christmas, easter, new years, etc. and they get really upset about ryan and i celebrating them.  i'm over caring about that though.  for the first few years that i was part of their family i hid the fact that we celebrated normal pagen holidays, but i'm beyond caring at this point.  no i'm not ever going to start going to a christian church for 2-3 hours every saturday for fellowship, no i'm not ever going to give up my pegan holidays, i'm not going to stop doing rituals because they believe them to be evil.

i think that is part of the reason they don't talk to me so much anymore.  the last time i heard from them was on facebook when they posted on my wall to wish me a happy birthday.  i really am just over the idea of having anything to do with them.  they are completely drama and chaios ridden.  i don't need that in my life as i have a hard enough time being stable on my own.

it just hurts my feelings sometimes when i think they don't care to be bothered with me because of my religious beliefs.  i can't imagine not talking to someone over something like that.  i don't understand why they think their beliefs are better than mine, and therefore they are better than me, just because i think and celebrate something different than them.  it boggles my mind.  but ya know, i'm the crazy one.

tired

the xanax for the mania..the only medication that i had that would calm me down, not really a mania buster but i'll get some sleep with it...is making me soo damn tired.  i just desperately want to take a nap, but i know if i do that i'll have to deal with a slew of comments reguarding my laziness and lack of descipline with being a good productive mom and wife. 

just an hour, i'd kill for just an hour long nap.

today's and yesterday's eating has been super good and healthy.  i dunno about calories but right now i'm focusing on eating super healthy and not eating until i'm overful/ binging.

today for breakfast i had scrambled egg white with light cheese, maybe 1/2cup, and about 1/4cup of hashbrowns with green and red bell peppers mixed in.  for lunch i had my standard light bread, turkey breast, light laughing cow cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich.  i've been trying to focus on getting more protein in because that's what really keeps me satisfied and not hungry for the longest amount of time.

i have salmon for dinner tonight, but i've been baking all day and i think i might wait until tomorrow to make that.  i'll do it in the morning so i know i'll have the motivation for it.  sauteed salmon fillets, some steamed broccoli, cauliflower and carrots all mixed together.  maybe i'll make some whole grain brown spanish rice with it as a side..that sounds good.

manic

i was so manic that i was starting to scare myself, so i took .5mg of xanax, and it really helped calm me down.  the only downside is now all i wanna do it take a nap and that's never gonna happen.  *yawn*

over the course of these past few days, i've really learned who my true friends are.  they don't know about THIS particular journal, and i'm fine with that.  but it makes me really happy to know i have people there for me when i'm really in need.

my family is another story.  i found out who told my mom what i wrote in my livejournal and dealt with them accordingly.  my in-laws are just a big bunch of assholes, so there never there to be able to depend on.

but friends, i have more than i thought i did.  god, i wish i could take a nap.

manic

i'm manic beyond words. i can't calm down, i can't relax, i can't make myself eat, i can't sleep. i'm WIRED like i drank 10 pots of coffee. i'm going off on people left and right and just barely holding on to reality. i should probably start my lithium again, but it gives me dirreah and i really fucking hate it.

knock down drag out fight

my mom and i are on the fence about each other again. we had a HUGE blow up last night, and for the first time in my bipolar career i blacked out because i was so manic while on medication. generally that's only happened to me when i stop my meds..which is never advised.




long story short, she kicked us out come february. i think i've pretty well managed to smooth things over with her, as long as i continue to kick ass, we'll probably be able to stay here without having to go into section 8 housing. (public assistance housing with income based rent).


I'm doing all the cooking and baking for christmas today. no wonder i'm fat. i get aggrevated with someone and want to distract myself, so what do i do? i make cookies and cake and all that christmas-y jazz.


i've already made the pizzelles, we're having a VERY italian christmas this year. main course is going to be home made ravioli that i'm planning on making and freezing for christmas day today, and home made gnocchi, which i've never made before, but damn it i'm willing to try lol..

that's about half a batch of pizzelles, and i made a double batch. i've been at it for a couple hours now.

you use about 1tbls of batter per pizzelle, and make 2 at a time. the bowl was full to the brim when i started.

baack!

i'm back on this wild roller coaster ride that is weight loss. i'm sitting at right around 250lbs, yes i know a HUGE gain from my last entries, and am about a size 22. but today all this is starting to change. i'm DONE half-assing this attempt to lose weight and just continutally making myself fatter.

the people in my life and my LIFE, living it, being present, not being numb with food, matter more to me than being able to eat til i'm so stuffed it hurts...which, in all honest, makes ya feel miserable any. i'm on sparkpeople.com as ryanslover1 if anyone wants to friend me, my food journal is public on there so it's not an issue of being private.

on a lighter note, christmas is in 8 days!! yeay!

expect to be hearing A LOT more from me in the future, i'm ready to get moving and get this weight off once again!