Christmas and Ryan

Ryan and i are doing much better.....he's my husband and i have to take that eternal commitment seriously because that's how it works! He's been allot nicer to me lately and we've talked through a lot of our issues, I think he has a better idea of what i need and where I'm coming from now.

I'm so happy to report that Ryan and i are okay again. my mother divorced my father when i was 2 and i don't want Aiden to have to live a life without both parents being together. right now our only issue that we can't really resolve is that i want one more child and Ryan doesn't. he says that if it's THAT important to me, we can have one more but not right now. I guess I'll just have to except that.

On a different note- Christmas was WONDERFUL. BEST Christmas EVER. I got a Wii and Wii Fit plus a TON of fitness games, Mario games, family feud....great stuff. i even got a ring that has all of our birthstones in it (Ryan's, Mine and Aiden's). Ryan wanted a studio grade microphone. even though he's going to school for nursing he's already graduated from Julliard for voice/opera. he's got an amazing voice and a real talent when it comes to music so i think the microphone will serve him well. Aiden got everything he asked Santa for, so he want happy. that living room is covered in toys, but they'll all eventually find homes besides just being under the tree.

I'm going to start my first workout on the Wii fit today...when it's a reasonably decent hour, not 5am. I also plan on taking Aiden for a walk today because there's a Bath and Body Works store near my house, and it's time for the semi-annual sale....I gotta stock up on my favorite goodies =)

Love that place, it makes taking a shower and taking care of myself a real joy- which is important because i have such issues with depression that if taking care of myself becomes something that feel like a chore instead of something i enjoy i won't be able to work up the motivation to DO it. It's gross, but that sad truth. so yeah, definitely hitting up the semi-annual sale!

I've totally overindulged over the Christmas holiday, but ya know what? I'm okay with that. it's one time a year, these goodies aren't always available so i might as well enjoy them while i can....I can lose weight anytime there's no rush so I'm not going to deprive myself.

How was your holiday?

I'm Done

and i don't mean anything about weight. I took off my wedding rings today for the last time. my husband and i fight constantly and i can't take it anymore. he's never on my side with anything, I'm always wrong, he never defends me.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders just typing that. i don't love him anymore, and i think it's been a long time coming. we've been together since we were 18, got married after being together for 4 months....it's been over 6 years since then and i feel like neither one of us respects the other's feelings, well being, or mental health anymore. I'm medicated, I'm as stable as I'm going to be....and i just don't love him.

I don't think he loves me either, because if he did he'd treat me lot differently. he never has a kind word to say, he never checks on me when I'm doing badly, never wants to do anything with me or for me. I'm going to do us both a favor and just end it. i want a trial separation. starting after new years because it's not right to put my family through all that during the holidays. i don't know what else to do.

I think all the emotional eating (aka binging) I've been doing lately is because i know if i lose more weight and other men are interested in me I'll leave. I'm not going to let him kill me with my own emotions....and that seems like the road we're going down.

I wish there was some other way, but i obviously can't make him treat me the way i want to be treated, or even the way he used to treat me. I have no control over what he does, as I'm learning in therapy, i can only control my reaction to his actions.

maybe things will get better, maybe they won't- but either way I'll be okay. I have my family here for me. i wish i didn't have to deal with these emotions on Christmas eve/ Christmas, but i fight today really brought everything to light. i want him to treat me well....i would be more than willing to reciprocate, but i just can't be the first one to start that AGAIN, especially when it deteriorates so quickly and easily.

I'm sick over this- literally SICK over it.

busy day

i've been christmas shopping since 10am this morning and didn't finish until around 2pm. I had shredded carrots and hummus for breakfast with a few grape tomatoes- delish. and for lunch i got that 395 calorie meal from KFC....and took off all the skin and fat from the chicken so i'm guessing it turned out to be a little less caloricly than 395.

Last night i didn't do so well...my mom bought christmas candy (which equals bags and bags of chocolate kisses, bars, york peppermint patties, etc....) and i totally over indulged. when i weighed myself monday (i think it was) i was 211lbs this morning i was 209.8lbs.....so it's going down, slowly because i'm not doing FANTASTICALLY.

Tonight i have a plan. i'm shredding zucchini (lots of zucchini, since it's my favorite veggie) and cooking that in pam until done, then adding 1c. of pasta sauce. it's SOOOO good. one of my favorite meals ever. maybe i'll have a few slices of turkey lunch meat so that i'll have some protein to keep me full.

well, all the christmas shopping is done, but there is much wrapping ahead. tomorrow is christmas eve and i'll write about my family's traditions then....bye for now!

As Promised

I'm posting today after a horrible night of sleep. I had to take hardcore pain medication for a massive day long migraine last night and it, for some odd reason, always gives me SERIOUS nightmares. I was being eaten alive by dinosaurs with my good friend Jess. Weird...and it freaked me out royally. I was scared to go back to sleep so I'm running on next to none here.

This is going to be a rough day. Being tired leaves me predisposed to binging even more than normal. Since i can't nap i figure i can fuel myself with food through the low feeling of being absolutely exhausted. It never works but it's my fall back and it's something I'm gonna have to be on high alert for today (or as high alert as my sleepy state allows).

I take anti-anxiety meds in the morning....klonopin....because i also, in addition to the bipolar, have very severe anxiety in just about every situation. it really hitting me hard today because it has the ability to make me tired. i think i might attempt to sneak in a nap before i have to pick aiden up at noon from preschool.

I'm so tired I feel dizzy. Fun day ahead.

I'm Back

so as is normally true in the blogging community, no news is usually bad news. I've reached my mental upper limit with weight gain....211lbs. I'm NOT going to EVER have to say that I've lost less than 100lbs. i started at 312lbs, so 211 is just not good enough.

I'm going with an intuitive eating approach since i seem to be in a mindset that causes binges when i write everything down. So far so good- although so far is only really today.

I hurt my knee a couple weeks ago, but I'm healed up AGAIN now- so back to exercising when I'm ready....right now I'm mainly focusing on my eating since that's what's been really getting me into trouble. MAJOR weeks long binging is really hurting me mentally and physically. things need to change and i feel like I'm totally in a position to make that change.

there are some lovely bloggers out there who inspire me on a daily basis...and i love reading books about people who have lost lots of weight. I've basically been re-reading my most inspiring books to help get me back on track! it's working!

Since I'm not keeping track of what I'm eating, just watching what the scale has to say, I'm not going to be posting daily food journals or anything...maybe some pictures of my food will make their way here on occasion if i eat something that's particularly spectacular.

But i WILL be updating at least daily. I'm making that commitment to myself because THAT will be my accountability. I'm back...watch out! no waiting for New Years resolutions for this fat girl =)