Rough

I had a mental breakdown from my severe bout with depression in my therapist's office yesterday. My appointment was for Thursday and being so depressed i had the wrong day. thankfully she saw me anyway. we talked for almost 2 hours, and i was in tears the whole time. they tried to admit me to crisis response center but i refused. Roz, the therapist, tried to get me in with my psychiatrist but he was booked up until next week so I'm on my own dealing for this until next Tuesday.

I haven't been eating much, and I'm sleeping as much as humanly possible. Being bipolar sucks- especially when the meds I'm on decide to stop working for no apparent reason.

that basically sums up why i haven't been posting. my birthday is this Saturday and I'm having a little party at my house. i hope the turnout is decent. it's the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. i hope it doesn't turn into a major disappointment with no one showing. either way I'm hoping Ryan, the husband, and i will have a good time.

Boring

Today has been pretty average and boring. I'm counting my calories but i'm still too sore to run (and it's raining) or ride the indoor exercise bike. I'm hoping that tomorrow i'll be fine. As long as it hurts to walk I'm thinking I'm too sore to ride the bike. Maybe i should be pushing myself, but I'm not there yet.

Today i got to talk to the beautiful and talented, Jess. We've been friends for years but only in the last year have we talked on the phone at all- I'm glad we made that step it's been really good for me.

Aiden went to school late today, he wanted to stay home and play and i almost gave him the whole day off but thought better of it since he's not sick or anything.

He's going to have 3 therapists coming to his school every week for an hour each. A behavioral therapist, a special instructor, and a physical therapist (since he's been walking on his tip-toes since he could walk). I hope they are able to help him, but I guess that remains to be seen.

Dinner with Dad, Cont...

So last night was dinner with my dad. we just started talking after 12 years of not speaking about a year or so ago. right around when i started my weight loss journey. we went to dinner then and he saw me at my highest weight and wanted to see how i've done so far.

we have a long and sorted history with each other. my mother and father divorced when i was 2 because my dad cheated on my mom and got his girlfriend pregnant...and then married her. she was the worst step-parent anyone could have and would do things like lock me in the bathroom for hours at a time when my dad wasn't home. not a nice lady...shes the reason i stopped having a relationship with him in the first place.

last night brought up alot of burried emotions. i try to just not think about them most of the time, but being there with him in the flesh sort of brings up all the horrible feelings i keep repressed on a daily basis.

Dinner with Dad

yes, dinner with the man who fathered me and i havn't spoken to in 12 years up until sometime last year. i dunno why i decided to contact him for so long- he's always treated me terribly. i'll write more tomorrow when i've had time to process everything...right now i'm DRAINED.

ADHD Diagnosis

Aiden went for an evaluation a few weeks ago and it turns out that he inherited his father's ADHD. Unfortunately, Ryan never outgrew his, so it's likely Aiden won't either. Aiden's been having problems with wanting to not go to preschool in the mornings (he only goes until noon). Today i found out why. He gets time outs ALOT for hitting the other kids and having virtually no attention span. All he wants to do is run around and play.

I dunno what to do. I've never dealt with anything like this before. He's such a good sweet boy at home that loves hugs and cuddling. I'm really concerned but I don't know what to do to help him. I know i studied psychology but I have no experience dealing with ADHD except for what i see in Ryan.

I have a meeting today with his service coordinator, she's going to go to his school and work with him with the ADHD and do behavioral therapy to help him with his attention span. He's probably going to need to go on medication when he starts real school because they just won't put up with this kind of thing there.

Any suggestions anyone?

Sore

Okay so it seems that my two days of multi-hour running have caught up with me. my legs are so sore today that my shins hurt when i walk. today will be a day off from exercise- which I'm already regretting because the weather is supposed to be wonderful again.

This morning i weighted in at 203.4lbs....i'm very happy about that. i know it's mostly water weight at this point but at least I'm on the right track again. I feel motivated again, which is something that i was having a hard time with since may 2008. In may i basically hit the 100lbs gone mark and just needed a break, but i finally feel ready to get the last 50-some lbs off.

I know I've been talking about weight allot lately, but that's what I'm trying to focus on. Life is okay in all other areas, my meds are regulated, my moods are pretty stable, my relationships are normal and good, but the weight needs to come to the forefront again.

I feel so close to goal right now- i know it's because i had a good day. I'll get there- i just need to string a bunch of good days together!

My Run

I totally ran for 2 hours today! God it feels good to be back at it. I think I might be over-doing it though because I missed it. I honestly don't care about the calories it burns, it just makes me feel so strong and powerful...like I can do anything! And I've also noticed that it makes me more productive throughout the day (as long as I do it in the morning).

I'm committed to counting my calories today. NOTHING is going to stop me. I don't care what craving hits, or when, it's NOT happening. I know once I get one day without a binge under my belt the rest of the days will start to fall in line because I don't want to mess up my hard work.

I've been on hiatus from losing weight for a while now- since about May (the beginning). My lowest weight was 196lbs. I WILL GET BACK THERE!

The Binge

So even after feeling SO good after my run yesterday night i binged. nothing hardcore, but enough that I'm up a pound and some change this morning. I guess i do need to track calories despite working out. I'm planning another run today, because the weather is supposed to be great. I think I'll head to a different route and check out some different stores. But first, i need to go to Wawa and get some milk for the house. Aiden, my son, needs it and we need skim milk for coffee and cereal and the like. I might pick up a breakfast sandwich with turkey sausage and egg whites, but only if they have that- I'm not spending 500+ calories on breakfast alone. The turkey sausage bagel, as it's stored in my sparkpeople.com account, has 360 calories with lots of them coming from protein but enough coming from the bagel that I'll have the energy to run.

I have such a hard time with night time eating, not middle of the night, just before bed. I dunno why, but i like the feeling of being overfull to fall asleep- am I weird? It just makes me feel comforted and lulls me to sleep. That's why I'm having such a hard time getting over it. *Sigh* sacrifices must be made in order to have the body that i want because sitting at 208.8lbs is NOT where I want to be.

I have to call my OB/GYN today because I'm planning on getting an IUD, my husband and i talked about getting pregnant in May after he's done nursing school and Aiden's old enough for us to have another one- HOWEVER, we really like the alone time we get when Aiden's napping or at school, etc... and we would totally be giving that up. We had Aiden young, i was 21 when he was born- so was Ryan...I'm not saying i regret it, but it would have been nice, looking back, to have more time to be young than what we got. I'm not ready to saddle myself down for the next couple years with a new baby right now. There have been talks about getting a dog in May though.

First Run Back

Today i went for my first run since hurting my knee. i made it 2 hours and 25 minutes! i burned 1000 calories, according to my heart rate monitor! i feel GREAT!!! this is definitely gonna continue because i forgot how wonderful i feel after a good long run. i even did some shopping while breaking from the run. that's probably what added the most time to it, actually. There was a good amount of running/jogging going on, definitely. I'm back to counting my calories, but we'll see how that goes, i really hate having to keep track of what I'm eating, and with the amount of exercise i generally do- as long as i don't binge- I'm fine.

The Bad Morning

This morning started off with apple cheesecake calling my name and just went downhill from there. it's only 8:38am in the morning and i feel like i failed for the day. i want to go out to breakfast because i know I'll make healthy choices and get enough food to last me the rest of the day. i think I'm off to shower then to order a low-carb breakfast since the cheesecake sent my over my sugar limit. I'm thinking egg white omelet with Swiss cheese and some creamed chipped beef. to the shower i go.

New To This- But Not

Hello everyone out there in blog-land. i've had a livejournal for years and i think it's time for me to branch out since it seems pretty dead over there lately. i started my weight loss journey at 312lbs....in may of 2008. I'm also bipolar and take a variety of medications that cause weight gain, loss, increased appetites, etc... so it's been a juggling act trying to get the right combonation of medications with the right effectiveness and not medications that will cause me to binge uncontrollably. right now i'm on geodon, cymbalta and klonopin. they seem to be working for me, but i also take a wide variety of natural suppliments to help with my mind and body.

Over the last 18 months i've done everything from weight watchers, to counting calories, to atkins to the Real Age Diet. I'm currently (as of this morning) weighing in at 207.4lbs which makes for a 104.6lbs weight loss. while that's impressive (at least to me) my weight has recently been heading in the wrong direction. I've started therapy to hopefully help with the binge- restrict cycle that I've pretty well established and am currently doing weight watchers again just to get some basic footing back down. i can no longer just trust myself.

I had worked myself up to doing 90 minutes of intense cardio 5-6 days a week. I had an unfortunate incident with a car running a stop sign and hitting me in the knee, couple with a miscarriage, and I've totally stopped exercising. I'm hoping to start that up again as soon as possible, as it greatly helps with the depression issues associated with my particular type of Bipolar Disorder.

This is going to be my ledger. I will record my triumphs and disappointments here. Hopefully I'll find some friends along the way.