Cleaning

there's constantly a war going on between my mother and I. she's a neat/cleaning freak and i'm just naturally messy. where she sees an utterly disgusting filthy mess, i don't see anything wrong. so we fight (we live with her).

I wish i was better than i am mentally so i could just become a cleaning machine, i go through spurts of that on and off but i never really stick with it very long because, well....i think cleaning to that degree is pointless and a waste of my life. i'd much rather be on the computer or playing with aiden, or watching tv or reading to just about ANYTHING else.

today everything came to a head...yet again.

we've been fighting all morning and she's finally retreated to her bedroom because she just can't stand the site of me because i don't clean as much as she'd like. so i cleaned- a good amount and throughly. finally got rid of my pile of christmas presents in the living room and picked up all aiden's toys, etc...

now she's acting like everything perfectly okay. she seems to think that as soon as she's done yelling and screaming and calling me horrible names and i'm back on her good side that i'll magically forget all the horrible things she said/called me.

she's always been like that and it drives me insane. I have a severe mental disorder and I can't get away with that i don't understand why she thinks it's okay for her.

Update

my elliptical got built yesterday by Ryan. it's perfect! i love it! it maked my body and mind feel like i'm running without the pain in my knees that running causes right now (i got hit by a car and probably need surgery but i'm putting it off for as long as possible). I went for a walk outside today- it was freezing but i HAD to get out of the house,even if it was just for a little while.

So i went to target (right near my house) and bought valentine's day decorations for my kitchen (just a table cloth and towels to hand on the handles in the kitchen) they are so cute, red with pink and white hearts (cheap too!).

my relaxing time if over for the week, ryan's working again until thursday- i THINK- and i'm basically on my own right now, not that i'm not used to that. it's no big deal really, i juts enjoy having the company...aiden's a good boy and doesn't really get to be a pain in the ass too easily.

I've been taking benadryl for my allergies and mucus build up (i get it more in the winter than in the summer) so i'm been feeling a little tired, but i know it's just because of that not something major.

I've been doing okay for the most part besides that. broke though- but who isn't right now? i'm - personally- a shopper. i love to shop, online, in stores, anywhere. it's just something i enjoy. but i've been really broke lately because m debit card broke and i have to go SOMEWHERE to get it replaces and i never remember when ryan's home. it's a pain in the ass and i don't always feel like going myself.

I hate weighing myseld

Since i HATE weighing myself, even weekly, i decided that I'm just not going to do it anymore. how do i plan on still losing weight you may ask?well, I'm back at spark people.com eating my allotted 1600 calories a day. I'm going back to calorie counting so that i DON'T have to obsess about the scale. it may sound weird to some, but it's what will work for me.

I get so obsessed with the scale when I'm not counting calories i weigh myself everyday, naked, and i get to the point where I'll actually take laxatives to make sure I'm empty before hand- which just plain isn't healthy. so that's what's new on that front.

My DR called in some pain med for the GERD incident that are actually allowing me to eat SOME things. Darvacet (spelling), it's not too strong but it's enough to take the edge off, which I'm thankful for. The prilocec and the pepcid are doing their jobs splendidly and I've stopped the dry hacking cough that the stomach acid caused.

Bipolarly....I've been basically begging my psy Dr to change my geodon to seroquil. BEGGING. I've been on the geodon for around 5-6 years now and it's starting to not be as effective, and I'm on the highest dose allowed. my bipolar is type I, so sleep is something that's hard for me to come by and my geodon used to make it possible for me to be able to sleep, it didn't knock me out or anything. instead of listening to me about the seroquil change (i have a degree in psy and plan on going back for my PhD so it's not like I'm uneducated about this stuff) he gives me 10mg of ambien...doesn't do SHIT, doesn't even make me remotely tired and it definitely doesn't help me STAY asleep once I've finally managed to fall asleep- and my insurance doesn't cover the extended release kind because there is not a generic.So i see him again on Jan. 12th, i think- and I'm not leaving his office with a seroquil script. it's my mental health we're talking about.

as a side note, along with the bipolar I with schizo-affective tendencies, I've recently gotten borderline personality disorder added to that. wonderful.I want another baby so badly but I'm DESPERATELY afraid to go off my medication during the pregnancy. i was recently (it was a surprise) pregnant and i believe the medication I'm on is the reason i had a miscarriage.

*sigh* why can't i just be NORMAL? even with medication I'm not totally normal- I'm just MORE functional. i can't hold down a job. i feel like it's never-ending crap to deal with.